I cried at work yesterday. I cried while in the process of interviewing a person during an abuse investigation. I had to stop, because I, like some, have the ability to not cry, ever. I am not saying I pride myself on this, but I have put some work in on deadening any and all emotions, over the past twenty some years, that my work can bring up. I consider yesterday a system’s failure of some sort or maybe it was a plumbing failure. I don’t know what happened, but I do know THAT cannot happen EVER again.
When I do not have total control over things that I typically have control over, I tend to lean to extreme measures on gain back the lost power. I am not unlike the dedicated religious folks that prove their love of HIM by self-flagellating or mortification practices. However, instead of attaching a razor to string and attacking my backside or deciding not to eat, speak or sleep on a floor without pillow, mattress or blanket. I just want to dig a hole and bury myself for an undisclosed amount of time. It was pointed out that burying myself might prove to be too difficult, and I typically never ask for help. Therefore, I have decided that I will just lay in my hole, face down, after a hard rain. This process probably will have to be repeated.
In addition to the time in my hole, I have also decided to institute another practice that will employ my friends, co-workers, and everybody that has to deal with me for more than 5 minutes. Recently, I was treated to the best massage I ever had. However, during the massage the masseur decided I was looking around “too much”, so he just threw a towel over my face. No words were spoken between us, just a towel thrown over my face without warning. It was fabulous.
I realize how wonderful this could be if I could repeat this towel over the face thing in other day-to-day life situations. I would provide friends with cold towels infused with herbal scents or warm towels, based on the circumstances. For example, while waiting in those long checkout lines at the grocery store, just throw a warm towel over my face. I’m always so cold in supermarkets anyway. I would calmly pass the time. Perhaps, this could also work during staff meetings, when told I need to add some ridiculous process to my already overloaded work responsibilities, just throw a cold towel infused with jasmine and chamomile directly over my face without hesitation. I would peacefully acquiesce. The scenarios are endless. I could bring towels everywhere. Under the towel would become my happy place.
There is something absolutely freeing about having a towel covering my face. It reminds me of the time in child’s development called object permanence when a child feels that they cannot been seen when they are covering their eyes. Having a towel over my face is interesting similar for me. Of course, I know that people can see me, but I like people not having the option of looking at or seeing my face. I do not like people giving the opportunity to see or read my emotions. If I could only wear a paper bag. In the meantime, I believe I will just train all who know and interact with me to throw a towel over my face at the onset of any emotion, mostly negative fervor. However, I will let the decision up to the towel holder until I spend enough time in my hole deadening all my emotional responses.