For those who know me understand that anxiety is my sweet spot. I begin each day immersed in it. And my days end with me lacing up my running shoes in an attempt to run it off or reduce it just enough so I can tread comfortably when I get tired of swimming in it. It isn’t as exhausting as I am making it sound, but maintaining a balance of acceptable neurosis takes some work. I spend a lot of time thinking and assessing many things, which include my happiness, health, home responsibilities, the size of my thighs,  and where I put the things that I can’t find. My house is only 750 square feet, that is it, so how is it possible to lose anything?

Presently, I cannot find my cutting board and this is baffling to me. Perhaps, I should stop looking for it in the kitchen and move to other areas of my house. I have recently lost my comb and I’m presently parting my hair with my tweezers. I know the comb will show up soon and having a straight part isn’t high on my priority list. Just last week, I put my car keys in my silverware drawer and attempted to start my car with my wine key. I have extreme organizational issues and my closets and cupboards are symptoms of this. I don’t think I’m in a present decline regarding my personal functioning, but I am open to this idea. I have always had difficulty multi-tasking my work and house responsibilities. My energy is spent first on my lovely daughter and all else can wait.

Grocery shopping is also an activity that causes me so much dread. Thinking of what I need, remembering what I have to buy, and writing a list is sometimes a insurmountable task. I almost signed up for Nutri- System in the past not for the need or want to lose weight, but for merely the convenience of having all three meals delivered. This is not too different from those who are relieved when they are locked up in jail, knowing that they will have a bed and three meals provided. This winter I’m gauging my mental well being on my ability to grocery shop. I wasted so much energy last year standing in my kitchen with the refrigerator door open, just staring at nothing and imagining what could be. I can’t put into words why I couldn’t bring myself to drive the half mile to the grocery store, but I couldn’t and didn’t. I could blame the gray Portland skies, but that would be too easy. I turned to Safeway during this three month period to do my grocery shopping online. In retrospect, I probably spent much more time sitting in front of my computer picking out one food item at a time and paying even more money for the delivery.

The online grocery shopping posed another set of issues. If I ran out of something I couldn’t online shop for just one item. I had to wait. I was only terrified of running out of toilet paper…nothing else. In spite of the added anxiety it created, I pushed on committed to my non-want of shoving a grocery cart down isles of just too many choices. Timing the order,placing the order, and waiting for the arrival of the order also created a whole other set of issues. All anxiety provoking in some sort of way. The payoff was grand though. The Safeway employer would show up at my home and the driver always seemed a little surprised that I wasn’t in my 90’s. He would carry all the bags to the door much more gracefully than I ever do. Then I would unload the bags and remember then one thing that I forgot to order.

This winter I am making it to the grocery store to do my shopping in person. I still think fondly about Nutri-System. It’s like having a personal chef who is militant about portion size that is affordable for the average middle class worker. I continue to be an organizational nightmare. I’m still okay with my hair having a crooked part for he time being, and I’m not certain when I will give up looking for my cutting board and purchase a new one. It might all hinge on my commitment to developing a love affair with prepared meals.