The repetition of my feet hitting the pavement during my almost daily run often puts my mind in a semi-meditative state. I am able to ponder many things. Somedays I ponder my poor choice of underwear. On other days while running, I ruminate over the fact I used the pronoun “he” when actually referring to a “she” during a discussion earlier in the day. In my defense, she was super handsome. And I must admit on some runs, I think about absolutely nothing, not even a glimmer of any intelligent thought. I guess my point is, I can turn off my mind and not think as much as I want or think as much as I need to, but the choice is mine.
During the last few weeks, my meditation has been interrupted by greenery. Most would consider this a good thing, but I don’t. During my runs I have been fixated on the state of other people’s yards. I have had these obsessive urges to pull out random weeds I see along my way. I want to trim hedges and clip low hanging branches. I just want to prune. I have actually interrupted a run and bent down to pull a weed, but stopped myself. Last night I had a dream I did stop mid jog in some random yard and just went crazy weeding. I was frantically shoving all the weeds in my pockets, as if I didn’t want the homeowner to see any evidence I had been there.
I find myself thinking a lot about weeds. I notice the ones that grow through the cracks of the pavement when I’m downtown. Recently, I was having a conversation with a co-worker and I did not hear a word once I noticed the wayward weed growing through the cement. The urge to pull it from the crack in the concrete was strong! I guess I am a little troubled to be fixated on weeds, but not too upset that I’m noticing the urban ones. However, the fact I am consumed with weed control while on my daily run is the more bothersome aspect. My once mellow meditative running is no longer and this begs the question. Do I have a weeding problem? Is it interfering with my social life? Can I stop weeding cold turkey? Or can I still do it socially and still function?
I have made the Home Depot garden section one of my routine stops. I often slowly stroll the isles looking for others desperate souls. I listen for the conversations they strike up with staff and spy on what they put in their carts to gauge just how far gone they might be in their battle. They might not even have to say one word, at least to me. I might know just enough by how much weed killer or gardening tools that roll through on the checkout belt. And I silently judge them and think “they” are much worse than I am, I am nothing like “them”. They have a much bigger weeding problem than I do.
Looking back, I believe the gateway to my weed dependence and addiction was/is my yard. At first I really hated the act of weeding. It started out innocently enough. I was just trying to fit in and be a good neighbor. The other neighbors were doing it, so it must be okay. Over time one hour turned into two and before I knew it, I would be in a full weed binge. Five hours of the day would go by before I could bring myself to stop plucking those noxious plants from the earth. Now, I just can’t do it enough during the weekend, and I rush home from work to continue to weed throughout the week. Until I find a W.A. group I will fight the good fight. Till then I will white knuckle and resist the urge to go for a run with my gardening gloves on & clippers in hand, and I will let the rap music I listen to while I run sing about hoes instead of me jogging with one….for now.