I guess I have been burning on empty for a while now. It has been difficult to realize just how drained I have been feeling, because when I’m this fried all judgement and insight must have dried up months ago. Lately, I wake up from my dream state on most mornings by hitting my alarm a little too hard, and sink into to my daily realization that others might call hopelessness. I wake, work, leave, and repeat. Sometimes I dream that it’s Friday only to wake and realize it Wednesday, these days are the most challenging. My job lately feels a little like the mailman’s mail bag during the holidays. The cases have been piling up and the deadline to deliver remains the same regardless of the amount that I have assigned.
I must have been comfortably miserable not realizing how tapped I was muddling through my day by day getting things done just by sheer pissy angst. I walked out to my garden after a long day to do some maintenance, and I was immediately stressed out by my vegetables. I stood there staring at all of them, and was sure they were staring back pleading with me in their own semi-aggressive way to either be picked, watered or eaten, in what order I am not sure cause I couldn’t quite hear them over the even louder voices in my own head.
My first thought was consistent with how i feel about work, I asked my veggies out loud, “How am I going to keep up with all of you? Why are so many of you due at the same time?” At this very moment I realized I was 24 hours away from a much needed vacation. Gardening is, typically, not the straw that breaks the camel’s back, right? However, I was standing in the middle of my garden having a conversation with my vegetables, probably a little more loudly than I initially anticipated. My cases are due, my reports are due, and now my veggies are DUE. I attempted to remind myself that vegetable are not DUE…they are RIPE , and this became the mantra I repeated to myself as I picked my nagging veggies this evening burdened with the thoughts of what I was going to do with all of them.
I immediately packed my bags upon returning from my garden. I found homes for all of my veggies that had to leave my garden that evening. I think they all found their forever homes. As for me, I realize I am the one who is due, and I am rehoming myself for the next week. I have zero standards or goals, because when I keep the bar low I am rarely disappointed. The plan is to sit and stare for 7 days. Maybe, I’ll decide not to use words at all and just point and grunt for 7 days. My utopia is a place where combs and brushes are not necessary and there is no judgements made by just how long I lay in bed, laying and staring, not to be confused with the sitting and staring portion of my vacation. The only thing that will separate my days is when is it time for the coffee to stop and happy hour to begin, and the only burning question will be is when will I fit in a run. Will the run happen after the laying and staring or before the sitting and staring portion of my day? Who cares? If I happen to see you I will point and grunt “hello” as I slowly jog by.